I sometimes feel that sort of performative/competitive itch with reading. Years ago when I was in my late 20s I packed James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’ for a long flight because I felt like it was a serious piece of literature I should read. I struggled through about 50 pages before I resorted to flipping through the airline magazine and staring into space. And I never went back to it. Probably some literary god will smite me for that, ha.
But, now that I’m older I’m more comfortable with letting my own tastes guide my reading. Though nowadays I find myself going back and forth about how much to underline and make notes versus just totally immersing in reading.
One time, many years ago I was on a cross-Atlantic flight with a copy of Hayden Harrera's biography of Frida Kahlo, 528 pages. I opened it when at take off and finished it while people were standing up and gathering their bags as we landed. It is the travel reading experience that I have been aiming and failing to replicate ever since. I keep thinking - the time away from my phone, the snacks, the silence... what better time to read a BIG book... and then... I get on and watch three seasons of The Office.
I am flying to Europe in July and already stressing over this. Do I bring Middlemarch?
Perhaps bring it, but hedge your bets by also bringing something easier to read--whatever easier means to you, could be shorter or lighter or an author you already know you enjoy.
I feel this when I'm worried about not meeting my reading goal for the year, or trying to "get through" my tbr by speed reading certain books that I feel I have to read.
i saw a video on tiktok where someone was recommending short books specifically to "boost" your reading numbers. i thought that was so messed up. i LOVE reading short books but that's not the reason why....
For me, when I get a new book (either a purchase, a gift), I get so anxious to finish the book I'm reading so I can get to the new one. For Father's Day I got the Mike Campbell autobiography 'Heartbreaker' (Mike Campbell from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, one of my favs.) But I'm currently reading 'Great Expectations' (Dickens) and am only half way through. I was reading it in bed last night and literally kept looking over at my new book, that is waiting for me, on the shelf. So... I feel your 'reading anxiety'...
I have several books going at a time in various formats. A fiction, a non-fiction, genre, literary, physical, audio and ebook. A long read is better when done slowly and alongside shorter reads, I have found.
I know you are right and at the same time I struggle when I read more than one book at a time. It's like my brain doesn't know where I want it to focus. The best I can do is one paper, one audio book. I love reading the same book on paper and on audio, which gives me a sense of living in its world. That's how I read Martyr! and it was amazing (including a lot of crying in the car at red lights lol)
I read so many books in college as an English major and learned to feel such pressure to read the right books in public and be able to say the right things about them. I carried this feeling for a couple of decades and at some point realized that I like to read things that make me laugh or make me feel lighter or take me completely away from myself, from overanalyzing my life and my own world (from thinking about myself too much!). In my mid-life I am feeling able to read when and how and what I like without explaining it (to myself or others). I love how you describe how reading is for you -something that is vital to your understanding of yourself and the world around you. This is how I feel about writing. And I love this line, "Even writing this feels like I'm trying to be good at having problems." That made me laugh out loud. Thank you for this!
i feel embarrassed sharing some of these insecurities but i hope that people can read our conversation and condense their timeline to feeling free to just be and do as they please.
I definitely get this feeling sometimes. Right now it’s happening with The Dream Hotel by Laila Lalami. I am loving the book but the only time I’m reading these days is right before bed. I can only make it a few pages before starting to nod off. I am getting antsy but I’m also reminding myself that I read for the joy of it—if I’m not feeling the urge to sit down and read at other points of the day, it’s not much use in forcing it.
I think that having reading goals and trackers causes us to overthink our reading habits, too. I set a reading goal last year because I hadn’t been reading regularly for many years. It felt great to surpass it at the end of the year! But now that I’ve re-established reading as an enjoyable hobby, the tracking feels more like pressure. It’s hard to stop!
i know the feeling.... what gets a habit jump-started may not be what keeps us in it, right? it takes a lot of self-awareness to just notice and allow oneself to admit that what used to work does not work anymore.
I feel you, Petya! I stopped posting my end of month reviews back in March, primarily because I felt under pressure to have read "enough" books, and even more importantly, the "right" books. Sometimes, I only had the bandwidth to re-read a favourite novel, but then i would panic that I wouldn't have anything to review! I also get antsy when I have a pile of books beside the bed, trying to rush through a book I'm already enjoying, so that I can get to the next one. WHY do we do this to ourselves?!?
a prison of our own making!!! i think there are so many ways to participate in meaningful conversations about books on substack and what i hope for all of us is that we can allow ourselves to play and experiment.... i think especially for someone like you who has such a devoted audience, we all just want to know what book related things are on your mind. i love your monthly round-ups but that's not all i come for on your newsletter. sending so much love!
I am currently trying to come up with a way to post end of month reviews without the stress! Thinking of a shorter post reflecting on just one book/piece of writing that has affected me in some way and might appeal to my readers 🤔
I would have loved to read your reviews! It's not necessary to feel so much pressure - it's good enough to read and recommend what you like. There are no "right" or "wrong" books - my own reviews are a wild mixture of novels not originally published in English, a reflection of my personal taste. Check it out if you like, and start again!!
Anna Karenina has been taking me forever to read and it’s some of what you’ve said here— I don’t want it to end. But also I’ve read so many other books since I started it, because reading a lot matters to me, because I gotta write the Substack but I don’t expect to have anything new and smart to say about this huge classic. So I am getting in my own way of just finishing this book. LOL— “good at having problems.” Do you think some of this is because it’s summer so it seems like you should have MORE time to read, but actually there are a lot of demands?
i definitely feel like the frenzied pace of summer when you have school-aged children in america has a lot to do with how i am feeling. also, my work life is insane right now. and i feel that i am struggling because i know that reading my books and writing my substack is my happy place that helps me generally feel like a human person in the world.... so when little salve is unavailable, i spiral.
Being in a sticky place of reading where nothing works is so disruptive! I'm so used to reading a book every few days that when it doesn't happen, it sticks out like a sore thumb. I think it's even harder when there's the pressure to share your thoughts about books online!
I'm thankful for the reminder to come back to the why, and the truth is that for me reading a damn good book usually does the trick of clicking that into place.
thankful for your note. i know YOU get it. as i was writing this i kept thinking.... at least i know that as soon as i pick up my next good read, all the angst will dissipate and i will be good.
Amen to all of this. I just read a book I loved the whole time, yet I still would catch myself doing mental math—“OK, how many pages are left? if I read this many pages each day I’ll be able to finish by this day…”
I find seeing what other people are reading online creates some level of anxiety for me. I have to remind myself the books will be there for me in a week, six months, or even 10 years. It’s a double-edged sword because seeing what other people are reading also inspires me to read and helps me find books that interest me and might be worth my time, but inevitably drives that innate need to compare.
I also experience some anxiety when I post a review of a book (or a movie) online. WHAT IF I DON’T SAY THE RIGHT THING OR HAVE A WRONG OPINION?!? I have to try to focus on writing reviews for myself and reminding myself that any authentic reaction is the “right” one.
There’s always been performative reading, but now social media means we are ALWAYS standing in that performance theater. But I find it telling that my favorite reading experiences are when I love a book that’s not being touted everywhere—that authentic discovery is a special kind of joy.
social media has definitely a lot to do with this. the line between inspiration and comparison is hair-thin. i keep telling myself to only do (and read, and write) what feeds my soul.... and to really be honest about what makes me feel like shit so that i can NOT do that. but it's hard. we are all human.
I'm having a good time revisiting Russian literature that I had to do for my degree but which I didn't enjoy at the time. I suppose studying literature is, by its very nature, performative. And now that I'm reading it for pleasure 30 years later, it's all about the enjoyment. But there is also a part of me that's looking back too, at who I was then and at who I have become now. Same with rereading some of the children's literature I read as a kid. It's very rewarding to revisit some of those books.
There's also the obsessive side that you alluded to. My identity has always been as a reader, but also for a large part of my life, as a musician. Now that I'm letting the reading take over, I can't help but feel some grief for the musician I might have become. There's definitely some regret there.
i think that internet culture makes us feel like we have to have a simple, straight-forward identity and a lot of the internal conflicts we have are around the fact that we are complex beings... with many areas of our lives that require attention and interests that are multitudinous. but the algorithm feeds us simple and straightforward, which i am sure we end up emulating on some level, even without meaning to. i think that your interests in literature AND musics shows that you are a curious, creative, empathetic human being ... and i hope you allow yourself to be all those things.
My biggest trigger is looking at all of the ARCs I have received but haven't read or reviewed yet, followed closely by looking at how far behind I am in all of the group reads I planned to participate in this year. I'm seriously toying with the idea of using next year to complete this year's group reads, but I think in order to actually do that, I'd have to unsubscribe from many of my favorite Substacks to avoid the FOMO.
I can relate to this, Petya. Even though I'm almost constantly reading (mostly classics), up until recently I just did a lot of re-reading. So while I'm way too familiar with some books, I'm still ignorant of whole swaths of literature. In addition, I'm a slow reader, so I read nowhere near the hundreds other people do per year. And like you, I'm not a "professional," just a book lover. Taking myself off Goodreads helped a lot to beat the comparison witch, actually.
I think this is about empathy. According to novels, there is probably several ways to read them. Some people just read for the free time we get for us, some others to really feel more alive, or others to learn something thanks to books, etc. Of course, all those differents manners to read books have common points. What Petya underlines cleverly is the empathy through the reading of a book, it's special and in many senses essential. In this way, reading's hours could become the usual exercice to read every part of a book. To me and like many people here, with years going by, I become more and more a reader who select precisely what I want to read: if I don't like so much some part of a novel, I kind of read the part like kind of watching a not so interesting part of a movie. Except if the novelist have a great style, in that case I read every sentence of the novel and all my feelings with.
I so relate to this, and my anodyne reaction is that this too, like caring about other reactions to self by the world, is eased by the who-cares-anymore-dom of aging and by accumulating whatever supplies of self esteem are to be had. And one more trick: there’s a relevant quote from Samuel Johnson that I read when these concerns make their appearance in my head: “A man ought to read just as inclination leads him; for what he reads as a task will do him little good.” Apparently we are talking about an old and familiar pitfall. Wishing all fellow sufferers as little reading pain as possible!
I feel this deeply. I have experienced anxiety or frustration when it takes me longer than usual to read a book. I honestly don’t know what the true root of that feeling is. I think partly it’s because I identify as a fast reader, and know how long it typically takes me to read a book. so when it’s taking longer than that I feel like I’m taking too long.
It’s a hard feeling to shake, and it can really diminish the reading experience for me. I’m better at dealing with the feeling now, but there have definitely been some books that I struggled through simply because I felt like I wasn’t reading them fast enough.
I sometimes feel that sort of performative/competitive itch with reading. Years ago when I was in my late 20s I packed James Joyce’s ‘Ulysses’ for a long flight because I felt like it was a serious piece of literature I should read. I struggled through about 50 pages before I resorted to flipping through the airline magazine and staring into space. And I never went back to it. Probably some literary god will smite me for that, ha.
But, now that I’m older I’m more comfortable with letting my own tastes guide my reading. Though nowadays I find myself going back and forth about how much to underline and make notes versus just totally immersing in reading.
Yes! to the struggle between just reading to enjoy the experience and feeling that I should be reading more closely (highlighting, commenting, etc.)
as a recovering A+ student, always wanting to make the teacher happy.... i struggle so hard with this too, deborah.
One time, many years ago I was on a cross-Atlantic flight with a copy of Hayden Harrera's biography of Frida Kahlo, 528 pages. I opened it when at take off and finished it while people were standing up and gathering their bags as we landed. It is the travel reading experience that I have been aiming and failing to replicate ever since. I keep thinking - the time away from my phone, the snacks, the silence... what better time to read a BIG book... and then... I get on and watch three seasons of The Office.
I am flying to Europe in July and already stressing over this. Do I bring Middlemarch?
The Middlemarch's project looks like a big project, if you don't bring it with you maybe you will can regret to not have it with you.
that's my plan. i will bring middlemarch, one more physical book and a kindle... so that if NOTHING works, i have that.
Perhaps bring it, but hedge your bets by also bringing something easier to read--whatever easier means to you, could be shorter or lighter or an author you already know you enjoy.
I feel this when I'm worried about not meeting my reading goal for the year, or trying to "get through" my tbr by speed reading certain books that I feel I have to read.
i saw a video on tiktok where someone was recommending short books specifically to "boost" your reading numbers. i thought that was so messed up. i LOVE reading short books but that's not the reason why....
No exactly! We're not reading to check things off a list, but because it's a beautiful thing to do
For me, when I get a new book (either a purchase, a gift), I get so anxious to finish the book I'm reading so I can get to the new one. For Father's Day I got the Mike Campbell autobiography 'Heartbreaker' (Mike Campbell from Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers, one of my favs.) But I'm currently reading 'Great Expectations' (Dickens) and am only half way through. I was reading it in bed last night and literally kept looking over at my new book, that is waiting for me, on the shelf. So... I feel your 'reading anxiety'...
this made me laugh... when you get to that place where you feel like you are cheating on a book!!
I have several books going at a time in various formats. A fiction, a non-fiction, genre, literary, physical, audio and ebook. A long read is better when done slowly and alongside shorter reads, I have found.
I know you are right and at the same time I struggle when I read more than one book at a time. It's like my brain doesn't know where I want it to focus. The best I can do is one paper, one audio book. I love reading the same book on paper and on audio, which gives me a sense of living in its world. That's how I read Martyr! and it was amazing (including a lot of crying in the car at red lights lol)
I read so many books in college as an English major and learned to feel such pressure to read the right books in public and be able to say the right things about them. I carried this feeling for a couple of decades and at some point realized that I like to read things that make me laugh or make me feel lighter or take me completely away from myself, from overanalyzing my life and my own world (from thinking about myself too much!). In my mid-life I am feeling able to read when and how and what I like without explaining it (to myself or others). I love how you describe how reading is for you -something that is vital to your understanding of yourself and the world around you. This is how I feel about writing. And I love this line, "Even writing this feels like I'm trying to be good at having problems." That made me laugh out loud. Thank you for this!
i feel embarrassed sharing some of these insecurities but i hope that people can read our conversation and condense their timeline to feeling free to just be and do as they please.
I know, I feel the same way when I share things that are vulnerable, and we do it for exactly the reason you said! So others can feel free. ❤️
I definitely get this feeling sometimes. Right now it’s happening with The Dream Hotel by Laila Lalami. I am loving the book but the only time I’m reading these days is right before bed. I can only make it a few pages before starting to nod off. I am getting antsy but I’m also reminding myself that I read for the joy of it—if I’m not feeling the urge to sit down and read at other points of the day, it’s not much use in forcing it.
I think that having reading goals and trackers causes us to overthink our reading habits, too. I set a reading goal last year because I hadn’t been reading regularly for many years. It felt great to surpass it at the end of the year! But now that I’ve re-established reading as an enjoyable hobby, the tracking feels more like pressure. It’s hard to stop!
i know the feeling.... what gets a habit jump-started may not be what keeps us in it, right? it takes a lot of self-awareness to just notice and allow oneself to admit that what used to work does not work anymore.
I feel you, Petya! I stopped posting my end of month reviews back in March, primarily because I felt under pressure to have read "enough" books, and even more importantly, the "right" books. Sometimes, I only had the bandwidth to re-read a favourite novel, but then i would panic that I wouldn't have anything to review! I also get antsy when I have a pile of books beside the bed, trying to rush through a book I'm already enjoying, so that I can get to the next one. WHY do we do this to ourselves?!?
a prison of our own making!!! i think there are so many ways to participate in meaningful conversations about books on substack and what i hope for all of us is that we can allow ourselves to play and experiment.... i think especially for someone like you who has such a devoted audience, we all just want to know what book related things are on your mind. i love your monthly round-ups but that's not all i come for on your newsletter. sending so much love!
💕
I am currently trying to come up with a way to post end of month reviews without the stress! Thinking of a shorter post reflecting on just one book/piece of writing that has affected me in some way and might appeal to my readers 🤔
I would love that... what is the one thing you read in the past month that just captured you the most.
I would have loved to read your reviews! It's not necessary to feel so much pressure - it's good enough to read and recommend what you like. There are no "right" or "wrong" books - my own reviews are a wild mixture of novels not originally published in English, a reflection of my personal taste. Check it out if you like, and start again!!
Ah, thank you so much, Annette!
Anna Karenina has been taking me forever to read and it’s some of what you’ve said here— I don’t want it to end. But also I’ve read so many other books since I started it, because reading a lot matters to me, because I gotta write the Substack but I don’t expect to have anything new and smart to say about this huge classic. So I am getting in my own way of just finishing this book. LOL— “good at having problems.” Do you think some of this is because it’s summer so it seems like you should have MORE time to read, but actually there are a lot of demands?
i definitely feel like the frenzied pace of summer when you have school-aged children in america has a lot to do with how i am feeling. also, my work life is insane right now. and i feel that i am struggling because i know that reading my books and writing my substack is my happy place that helps me generally feel like a human person in the world.... so when little salve is unavailable, i spiral.
TAKE YOUR TIME WITH ANNA!
I often read books as research. What is out there in my genre? What are my comp titles?
But if a book really grabs me, I stop reading as an author and turn into a “real” reader. It’s the best feeling!
balancing being a writer and being a reader is a whole other thing!!!
Being in a sticky place of reading where nothing works is so disruptive! I'm so used to reading a book every few days that when it doesn't happen, it sticks out like a sore thumb. I think it's even harder when there's the pressure to share your thoughts about books online!
I'm thankful for the reminder to come back to the why, and the truth is that for me reading a damn good book usually does the trick of clicking that into place.
thankful for your note. i know YOU get it. as i was writing this i kept thinking.... at least i know that as soon as i pick up my next good read, all the angst will dissipate and i will be good.
Amen to all of this. I just read a book I loved the whole time, yet I still would catch myself doing mental math—“OK, how many pages are left? if I read this many pages each day I’ll be able to finish by this day…”
I find seeing what other people are reading online creates some level of anxiety for me. I have to remind myself the books will be there for me in a week, six months, or even 10 years. It’s a double-edged sword because seeing what other people are reading also inspires me to read and helps me find books that interest me and might be worth my time, but inevitably drives that innate need to compare.
I also experience some anxiety when I post a review of a book (or a movie) online. WHAT IF I DON’T SAY THE RIGHT THING OR HAVE A WRONG OPINION?!? I have to try to focus on writing reviews for myself and reminding myself that any authentic reaction is the “right” one.
There’s always been performative reading, but now social media means we are ALWAYS standing in that performance theater. But I find it telling that my favorite reading experiences are when I love a book that’s not being touted everywhere—that authentic discovery is a special kind of joy.
social media has definitely a lot to do with this. the line between inspiration and comparison is hair-thin. i keep telling myself to only do (and read, and write) what feeds my soul.... and to really be honest about what makes me feel like shit so that i can NOT do that. but it's hard. we are all human.
I'm having a good time revisiting Russian literature that I had to do for my degree but which I didn't enjoy at the time. I suppose studying literature is, by its very nature, performative. And now that I'm reading it for pleasure 30 years later, it's all about the enjoyment. But there is also a part of me that's looking back too, at who I was then and at who I have become now. Same with rereading some of the children's literature I read as a kid. It's very rewarding to revisit some of those books.
There's also the obsessive side that you alluded to. My identity has always been as a reader, but also for a large part of my life, as a musician. Now that I'm letting the reading take over, I can't help but feel some grief for the musician I might have become. There's definitely some regret there.
Thanks for the thought-inspiring post as always!
i think that internet culture makes us feel like we have to have a simple, straight-forward identity and a lot of the internal conflicts we have are around the fact that we are complex beings... with many areas of our lives that require attention and interests that are multitudinous. but the algorithm feeds us simple and straightforward, which i am sure we end up emulating on some level, even without meaning to. i think that your interests in literature AND musics shows that you are a curious, creative, empathetic human being ... and i hope you allow yourself to be all those things.
My biggest trigger is looking at all of the ARCs I have received but haven't read or reviewed yet, followed closely by looking at how far behind I am in all of the group reads I planned to participate in this year. I'm seriously toying with the idea of using next year to complete this year's group reads, but I think in order to actually do that, I'd have to unsubscribe from many of my favorite Substacks to avoid the FOMO.
I can relate to this, Petya. Even though I'm almost constantly reading (mostly classics), up until recently I just did a lot of re-reading. So while I'm way too familiar with some books, I'm still ignorant of whole swaths of literature. In addition, I'm a slow reader, so I read nowhere near the hundreds other people do per year. And like you, I'm not a "professional," just a book lover. Taking myself off Goodreads helped a lot to beat the comparison witch, actually.
I think this is about empathy. According to novels, there is probably several ways to read them. Some people just read for the free time we get for us, some others to really feel more alive, or others to learn something thanks to books, etc. Of course, all those differents manners to read books have common points. What Petya underlines cleverly is the empathy through the reading of a book, it's special and in many senses essential. In this way, reading's hours could become the usual exercice to read every part of a book. To me and like many people here, with years going by, I become more and more a reader who select precisely what I want to read: if I don't like so much some part of a novel, I kind of read the part like kind of watching a not so interesting part of a movie. Except if the novelist have a great style, in that case I read every sentence of the novel and all my feelings with.
I so relate to this, and my anodyne reaction is that this too, like caring about other reactions to self by the world, is eased by the who-cares-anymore-dom of aging and by accumulating whatever supplies of self esteem are to be had. And one more trick: there’s a relevant quote from Samuel Johnson that I read when these concerns make their appearance in my head: “A man ought to read just as inclination leads him; for what he reads as a task will do him little good.” Apparently we are talking about an old and familiar pitfall. Wishing all fellow sufferers as little reading pain as possible!
I feel this deeply. I have experienced anxiety or frustration when it takes me longer than usual to read a book. I honestly don’t know what the true root of that feeling is. I think partly it’s because I identify as a fast reader, and know how long it typically takes me to read a book. so when it’s taking longer than that I feel like I’m taking too long.
It’s a hard feeling to shake, and it can really diminish the reading experience for me. I’m better at dealing with the feeling now, but there have definitely been some books that I struggled through simply because I felt like I wasn’t reading them fast enough.